The chunky girl you drunkenly hooked up with won’t get an abortion, your application for community college was rejected, your father found your stack of Jason Statham DVDs and thinks you’re gay, and you can’t get out of the Molasses Swamp while playing fucking Candyland with your niece. But it’s okay.
You’ve got J.C. in your driver seat.
Driver, take me to White Castle. And close the Goddamn privacy window.
Just take off your shoes, lean back your seat, and enjoy the ride. The Great Creator wants you to. I mean, would you honestly question the man who is behind the two greatest selling films of all time?
Wait. What’s that? Oh, you didn’t know?
James bears the immense weight of a Golden Globe award. Jesus holds a cross. Coincidence? I think not.
Exhibit A. He creates things.
In a recent interview with MTV, J.C. confessed that he has a God Complex. Creating new worlds is just his forte. Policemen catch bad guys, firemen put out fires, and J.C. directs the shit out of movies.
Even the Ben 10 and High School Musical loving tweens of today know that J.C. created blue cat-monkeys.
But the little fuckers didn’t grow up with robots from the future, NTI’s, aliens (yes, plural), and an “Omega Sector” operative who would throw knives into terrorist faces. In order to have grown the first few hairs of your 14 year old pimp-stache, you had to watch ‘em all. James Cameron’s films are a rite of passage to becoming a man.
With each theatrical film, he created something new. Lets review:
Piranha II: The Spawning
The Terminator
Aliens (Two-Disc Collector’s Edition)
The Abyss
Terminator 2
True Lies
Titanic
Ghosts of the Abyss
Aliens of the Deep
Avatar
This one time, I heard that Bar Mitzvahs are really just J.C. movie marathons. Jews, if that’s the case, I forgive you for killing him the first time.
Exhibit B. His semen.
A few minutes into church, everyone is cranky and has either shit themselves or fallen asleep. The solution? Eat a Nabisco Nilla Wafer and drink some non-alcoholic wine. Receiving the Eucharist in Church is the equivalent of “snack time” in elementary school. The only difference is that there isn’t a hot teacher’s assistant that’s passing out shitty food like carrots. Instead, we get wrinkly men and little boys.
With the second coming of J.C., things are a little different. Not wanting to forsake such a holy tradition, he varied things up. Instead of bread, he wants you to eat popcorn. Instead of blood, he wants you to drink his semen.
His former wife, Kathryn Bigelow, did from 1989 to 1991. Now look at success of The Hurt Locker. While she may no longer be a follower of J.C., he has still made a significant impact on her life. My guess is that it’s the back of her throat.
Exhibit C. His cover-up.
On March 4, 2007, the Discovery Channel premiered J.C.’s The Lost Tomb of Jesus. J.C. and crew made a documentary showing “scientific proof” that Jesus Christ never resurrected. Archeologists in Jerusalem apparently found a hidden tomb with 10 stone caskets. One of them was for Jesus.
But wouldn’t that TV special be the antithesis to this entire website? Bullshit. Like the moon landing, the whole thing was just a cover-up. You see, during the 70th annual Oscar Awards, J.C. announced that he was “The King of the World.” The proverbial cat was out of the fucking bag. Only he wasn’t ready for everyone to know yet.
Here was his solution:
He sent time-traveling robots and life-reliving old ladies into the past. Together, they took random cadavers and placed them in said caskets. Forget Titanic; forget the Terminator series; this shit is real.
If appalling things are happening in your life, they were meant to. Like the time your mom caught you masturbating to her February 2002 issue of Redbook. Or when you shoved your boxers under your friend’s bathroom sink because you shit your pants and couldn’t walk into the living room to hide them in your sleepover bag. It happens to everyone. No matter what the situation is, J.C. is always with you.
Your fellow follower of Cameronism,
- Anon
Mega LOL. I love it
For the good of mankind , closed down this retarded site.
what more is there to say.
@ disate
You cannot silence the truth.
@ disate
We don’t need any Lutherans here. Go staple your rules/requirements on some other door.
is this for real? i cant even begin to imagine how long you spend masturbating to thundercats and wishing you had an anime ‘real doll’.
They make anime dolls?
Hi, my name is Tony Blair, the reptilian ex-prime minister of the British Empire Remnant.
Prepare to meet your doom humans! Your idiocy will be your downfall…. but you just don’t know it yet….
Puny and weak, revering false prophets and dead gods, your time crawling over the earth is over!
Reptilian Resurgent Movement.